


Less Chatter On The Comms, Men : Honduran Comms Chatter

by cptsuke



Series: stories from the same routine [2]
Category: The Losers (Comic), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 12:03:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1225585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cptsuke/pseuds/cptsuke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen thinks intelligence is a fucking moron, Roque threatens a person with herpes, Clay isn't keen on plan C, Cougar hasn’t got a tall building and Pooch worries about his best china.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Less Chatter On The Comms, Men : Honduran Comms Chatter

**Author's Note:**

> warning - offscreen violence, hard to follow conversations and swearing. Let us never forget the swearing.

Did anyone else wake up and suddenly find themselves a mercenary? Because I swear I went to sleep last night an American soldier. And we're, what? Hitmen now? Hunting down some deposed general? Doesn't seem very American.

 

Grow up Jensen, this is as American as it gets.

 

That's very cynical, Roque. Is that your childhood abandonment issues I see peeking through? Do we need to hug?

 

I will find you and gut you.

 

Really? Coz I dont know whether you noticed, but I'm in the middle of Honduras. In the jungle. A very thick, very - ow - scratchy jungle. Jungle so dense it can hide us, a cranky pants general and his tiny ass army. Man I don't know how they expect us to find anything in this shit. Last night I couldn't even tell if I was playing cards with you guys or Osama Bin Laden.

 

We played cards last night?

 

Ha, fuck you Pooch. Are we sure this guy's even here?

 

Who the fuck cares? We set up the sensors, stroll around the jungle for a couple more days and move on. For what it's worth, intelligence says he's here.

 

Colonel, have you ever sat back and thought of all the times intelligence has told us something is one hundred per cent irrevocably correct and it turned out to be utter bullshit? I'm beginning to suspect that the intelligence is actually gathered by fucking braindead sheep. God I hope he's here. I want my sweet chopper extraction, such bullshit, what is this? Grade school? No general, no chopper? Nothing awesome ever happens in the jungle, man. I swear to god, this guy had better be here and eat babies, or something really _horrible_ , because nothing less is going to make up for the spider I saw last night. It was as big as Roque's hands, no lie. It tried to get into my pants and give me herpes.

 

Sure it wasn't Roque?

 

No, actually I'm not. Either way, not cool.

 

Do you _want_ me to give you herpes?

 

Only if you _really_ mean it.

 

Jensen, shut up or I will cut you.

 

Oh come on, Roque, you know I love you. I love all of my Honduran jungle brothers. I even still love Cougar, though he tried to shoot my ears off last month. I LOVE YOU COUGAR!

 

"..."

 

See that silence? That's an 'I love you too' silence.

 

That's a 'Got your forehead in my crosshairs' silence.

 

Shut up, Jensen.

 

Shutting up Colonel. All I'm saying, is if the Honduran army wants this guy so bad, why don't they wander around this stupid, sticky _chingadera_ , that's for you Cougs. They have an army right? Its not like they're - ah, ok, guys, I've got a sensor going off in grid 85. I swear, if its a spider or any other type of over grown creepy crawley, I'm going to call in a fucking airstrike. Hey Pooch-man, Im getting movement, five hundred metres east of your position.

 

Jensen, I've got a visibility of about five fucking feet.

 

We've all got a visibility of five fucking feet.

 

Cougar, you got eyes on?

 

Negative.

 

Hang on, I'm closest. Coming in on your six Pooch-man, don't shoot me.

 

I'll try and restrain myself.

 

Uhh, okay, guys. I think I found General Cranky Pants' not so tiny army. Shit! Contact! Fuck!

 

Jensen! Confirm your position!

 

Yeah, shit, Grid 90 East. Where the fuck are you guys?

 

Ten minutes, disengage and withdraw.

 

That's the plan boss.

 

Fuck, Jensen, I nearly shot you!

 

Oh hey! I found Pooch! Sorry man, I brought guests.

 

Great! You want I should get out the best china?

 

Don't think these guys are really best china sort of guests!

 

Withdrawing north, rendezvous grid 92.

 

We're coming in hot!

 

Got it, we'll roll out the welcome mat.

 

Ah! Fuck! Man Down!

 

Pooch, confirm, what your status? Who's hit?

 

It's me. Dammit!

 

Here, hold this down, hard. Pooch is down, Colonel. That feel tight enough? Upsy-daisy, buddy. Can't believe they shot you in the back, so rude.

 

Guess they didn't like my china.

 

Guess not. You breathing okay?

 

Feels okay.

 

Keep pressure on that okay? Ah! Shit! Clay! We're getting pinned down here, man.

 

Hang on, we're coming!

 

Pity there's no high buildings for our guardian pussy cat. I could really go for some cover. I totally forgive you for July, man. What's a little deafness between friends?

 

You're slowing down, Jensen.

 

Yeah, look we have to hole up, I think they're gonna go past. Maybe. Colonel, I don't think I can move Pooch anymore.

 

What are our options?

 

Uhh, thinking. Look, we can make a stand here and hope they either go past us or you guys show up quick-fast. But Colonel, there's alot of them. Maybe if we had surprise or high ground? Option two is, I lead these guys away, give you time to pick up Pooch and back up. See if we can find where these jerks are staying.

 

Chances of them passing by you?

 

They're looking pretty fucking hard for us, Colonel. Ah shit. Hey Pooch-man, how you doing buddy?

 

I'm good, just a lil'sleepy.

 

Ok man, I'm going to give you my laptop, okay? Clay, Roque and Cougar are gonna be here soon, so I need you to be quiet and if it looks like it's going bad, I want you shoot my computer.

 

Shoot it?

 

Yeah, shoot my baby in the head. Oh god, this is worse than the end of The Mist.

 

Be careful, kid.

 

I still can't believe you said 'Man Down', that's pretty embarrassing Pooch.

 

I know man, I'm losing my touch.

 

Terrible thing to happen to a guy. Clay, I've set a beacon on Pooch's position, you see it on your tracker?

 

Affirmative.

 

Fuck. Ok, I'm going to lead them west, anyone want to kiss me goodluck?  Pooch man, look after my computer dude.

 

Jensen, status.

 

Ok. Yeah. Well they're definitely following me. Umm. Heading nor-east. I think.. Mostly.

 

I've got Cougar heading around from his position. Keep them on you and we'll see if we can catch them in a crossfire.

 

This plan sounded so much better when I wasn't the bait. Have you ever noticed tha-aah

 

Jensen report! Jensen?

 

I.. Uhh, Colonel. Slight problem. I seem to have fallen down a uhh, a ravine, I guess.

 

There aren't any ravines on our map.

 

Yeeeah, I can guarantee there's one here now. Fuck, I think something's broke. Let me just. . ... No. Nope, nope, nope. Leg's definitely broken.

 

Roger, sit tight, keep quiet. We've just got to Pooch, we'll stabilize him, pick you up and call for a medevac.

 

Not sure that's a great idea, Boss. Way I see it, if this little soiree doesn't send the general deeper underground, a chopper is definitely gonna.

 

Kids got a point, Clay.

 

What's your idea?

 

Option C. It's not great, but it's not as bad as plan D.

 

Jensen.

 

Ok, I wave a white flag, they take me back to their little lair for a Q and A with their boss. You guys follow my signal, bust in, take everyone out, pop General Cranky Pants in the head and wham-bam chopper our way back to civilisation, happy with the knowledge that we've made US-Honduras politics that much peachier.

 

What's to say they won't just pop _you_ in the head?

 

No man, dude's gotta wanna know who's sniffing around his backyard. May even want to gloat. Achilles heel of even the best villians.

 

Unless you want to scratch the entire mission I'm not seeing a whole lot of options here, Clay.

 

And I really don't want to come back here and start again.

 

Okay.

 

Okay? Ok. Pooch hasn't shot his hostage yet?

 

Nope, she's fine.

 

Beautiful! You're gonna need to lock onto my comm signal.

 

Alright got it.

 

Ok. Click COMM5, then push in shift-S, shift-T and a exclamation mark. Now there should be a row of buttons popping up on the screen. Click the one that's got a circle with little squiggles coming out of it - what's happening on the screen?

 

Map of the area. Flashing green spot, where we are, and a flashing pink one.

 

Ok. Pooch is green, other one's me. And, dude, it's a red spot.

 

This is easy, why do we need you again?

 

Ha. ha. Because I'm the one who writes the program that makes it easy to use for idiots.

 

I am still your superior officer, you know.

 

Yes sir! Alright, I'm gonna have to ditch my ear piece and smash my tracker so they won't know where you guys are. On the sad side - neither will I. Don't forget to change over to a secure channel, you should still be able to hear me, which kind of sucks because, man, when they drag me out of this ditch I am going to cry like the little girl I never was. Hah! Okay guys, signing off now, anyone wanna say something cliche before I go?

 

Dibs on the kukri that Gurkha gave you.

 

Oh, Roque, you're all heart, and for that I bequeath you with the task of deleting my hard drives of all the porn I've accumulated, before they ship it off to my sister. Have fun with that!

 

 

Hey! Hey, how you doing? Don't shoot! Look, I'm mostly un-armed. Hey, ow! Fuck, come on, be a little gentle, or you know, noooaah! ...mother fucker You're a mean little bastard, ya know? Okay, okay I'm getting up! You might wanna help me a bit, it's not bent that way for shits and giggles you know. Careful, careFUCK!

 

Mmm, where the... You guys, knocking people our is really not very nice. Hey, is that a guard house? How quaint - urgh - yeah I probably deserved that one. It's a very nice guard house, I'm sure the four guys in there are very nice too. Careful! Geez, guys it isn't any less broke than it was before! Nice digs! Long hallways are so _in_ aren't they? So where are you guys taking me? Ahh, come on man, no habla ingles! Hah, dude, I don't speak spanish, heh - ow - come on that was a joke, lighten up a little, mate.

 

Woah. Hey, nice uniform guy. What rank's that supposed to be?

 

Wow, General? A _General_ , that's pretty special isnt it? Well, _General_ , you treat all tourists this way?

 

Yeah. Me tourist. That's what I was trying to tell your boys, I got seperated from my tour group when we left San Salvador.

 

I'm where?

 

Where the fuck is Honduras? Oh man, I can't believe I've gotten so lost, maybe you could just direct me to - urgh. Okay maybe not. I can't believe I'm missing my tour - you should see group I'm touring with. All girls, 'cept for me. Tour guide's this feisty little brunette. Little bossy though, like she'd want you to call her 'Sir' when you - well you know - bet you'd like that, huh? Urgh. Ow. Yeah, you know you'd like that.

 

_Dios mio, ¡cállarse tonto!_

 

Our bus driver's a sweet little lady, always talking about her kids, you know? Gives me cookies, though. Man I really miss those. Then there's this dark little number who sits in front of me all the time. Gotta say though, I _do_ have a sneaking suspicion that she's the sort of girl that collects knives - you know the kind that writes angry things in her diary. In red pen. Because it reminds her of blood. Heh.

 

He does realise we can still hear him, right?

 

No, wait, ah, I gotta tell you about one more, come on, ah aah ow. Still broke, don't know why you guys can't remember that. Anyway! Last one, promise. She's quiet, got pretty long girly hair. Short little mexican _chica_. Wears this sweet as cowboy hat. Bet she's secretly a wild cat. Ow. Come on, that was a little funny. How new are you to this? If you knock me out, I can't answer your questions.

 

Go.

 

Hey, don't look at me, I'm doing nothing but bleeding here. Urgh. That'll be your guard house mother fucker! Yeah go on, send your guys out there! They ain't coming back! Oh, fuck. Come on. That's not how you interrogate people. You cant just..

 

_click_

 

Fuck. Jesus. Come on man. You know you've watched way _way_ too much Deer Hunter.

 

_click_

 

Shiiiit. Co - ..At least spin it again, give me an even fucking chance!

 

_click_

 

Ple - You know I can't tell you that. Jesus, I can't. Fuck, you fucking _mamagüevo._ Heh. Ahh. Ib you broke my nobe I'm gonna be zeriffly piffed.

 

_click_

 

God! Huh, ha. ..You know what I've realised since all the guards left the room?

 

 

_Tu madre es una puta_ , and my mother fucking ropes are loose!

 

Perimeter secure, heading in.

 

Son! Of! A! Fucking! Bitch! Mother! Fucking! Fuck! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fu-

 

Jensen. I think you got him. Come on, hand over the gun, son.

 

Okay, you hang on to it.

 

Colonel, the bullet is still in it.

 

We'll worry about it after we get out of here. Jensen. Hey! Come on.

 

Jensen? We've gotta go now buddy.

 

Roque, how far off is our bird?

 

Incoming twenty minutes. Target?

 

Dealt with. How's Pooch?

 

Stable.

 

Come on, _hermano_ let me look at your hand quick.

 

How is it?

 

Fingers all look broken. Won't let go of the gun.

 

Here, help me get him up. Choppers on it's way.


End file.
